A Suggested Alternative For “I’m Not A Feminist, And That Is Okay”

Me too, Jess, but I mean to express no hatred towards Amanda, the author of “I’m Not A Feminist, and That Is Okay.”

 

I do, however, have a suggestion for her.

 

You could think about it differently by working on perspective-taking skills.

 

Like this:

“I personally do not want anything in my life that is out of reach due to inequality due to my gender. This rocks, and it’s okay for me to feel that way, and it’s okay for any female reading this article to feel this way. However, I get that I am one female in the entire human race, and others have desires for their lives that they cannot fulfill, and therefore I am a feminist because I hope they can someday feel the freedom to live their life according to their own will in the way that I am able to. I also am thankful for the feminists who came before me, because without them I would not be able to enjoy many freedoms that I sometimes forget were not always allowed to women. Thanks, feminists, and let’s all continue to encourage and support each other.”

Easy Peasy

 

Romance: The False Sustainer

I want to start off by saying that I am no scholar of love. I have studied humans & relationships, but I do not claim to be an expert. In fact, I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a lot of experience with a variety of personal romantic relationships. What I do have is a committed relationship of seven years, and all the lessons that it has taught me. One of those lessons is about romance – that gushy, heart pounding, stomach lurching, all consuming feeling of infatuation you have when you love someone.

 

Okay, stop.

 

Here’s what I’ve learned: we have to stop believing that romance is synonymous to love and/or a healthy relationship. Okay? And here’s why.

 

Romance is not sustainable. We, as the post modern world, look for romance to signify that we are in a healthy successful relationship. We turn to movies, books, magazines, music to find inspiration for what we want our love lives to look like. And while I believe and know that romance has a really special and impactful part in a relationship (particularly the beginning), it isn’t what a relationship IS.

 

Make sense?

 

What I have found (in my own relationship & in those relationships that I admire) is that sustainability with another person comes from the willingness to wear a million different hats with or for the person you choose to spend your life with. You may begin by being the loving and adorable boyfriend/girlfriend, but as your relationship progresses you take on different roles individually and together. Some of these things include being a friend, a counselor, a doctor, a teammate, a coworker, a  confidant…

 

okay so so it’s not all romance.

“But I don’t want that, I DONT WANT TO LOSE THE ROMANCE!”

yeah, I hear ya. But listen, here’s how these things go: One day your SO comes home from work upset about his boss – romance is already not there that night because he is upset and he needs you there as a friend or counselor, so you become one. And the next day the house needs a lot of work, so that day you’re teammates focusing on achieving a task. And the next you spend the day as coworkers getting bills paid and getting your affairs in order. And the next day your SO comes down with the flu, so you spend the day making him soup and babying him as his doctor. But guess what – you doing all these things with/for them made them remember how it felt to fall in love with you in the first place, so once he feels better, he plans a surprise date day for you and the romance returns and it is SO SPECIAL.

*que “the circle of life”*

 

look, LIFE ITSELF ISNT ROMANTIC. So don’t give up on people or a relationship because you think the romance is dead.  There’s so much more to life and relationships, and I hope to see much healthier relationships develop when people stop holding themselves and their partners to such high and unrealistic relationship standards.

 

 

 

 

Why Love Has Not Won

Firstly, I think it is important to think about our definition of Love. We all may have our own perception of what love is or looks like or comes from. But for a moment, think about what love looks like and acts like and sounds like and how it feels. After you have that in mind, let’s look at some posts I came across by googling #LoveWins, marriage, and simply scrolling through my social media sites.

So…unless your version of love is full of tears, anger, hatred, sickness, inequality, division, and suffering, it seems that love ultimately has not won. This is such an interesting phenomenon to me. The world is pushing towards acceptance on one issue, yet those who are gaining the rights and liberties they have fought for are turning around and throwing hate and shame as fast as they can post on their smart phones. And, on the other side, there are those who have had rights and liberties, and those rights and liberties were not taken away by one ruling, yet we want to pout and stomp our feet because we just are not ready for things to change. Right? That’s what we are all really scared of here. Change. I am not saying that each side does not have some ground to stand on in defense of their arguments. The homosexual community has been ridiculed and looked down on and hurt and criticized. The Christian community believes that it is sin to act on homosexuality, and support of those actions feels like blasphemy in the face of God himself. And the rest…well we are all products of our surroundings and our history. Everyone has their reasons for believing what they believe and acting the way they act. But if we could take a moment to truly look at our reasons, and ask ourselves if our actions are warranted, I believe we all would eat our own words.

I will start with the Christian community. As a Christian, I feel as if I have the most authority to speak on the issues in the Christian population. The Bible has called us to do many things and act in many ways. We are to follow the ten commandments, and we are meant to bring the news of Christ to all. There are so many sins we are to avoid and things we are “not allowed” to do. But I challenge you to find anything in Christianity that gives us the right to condemn someone. I challenge you to find anything in Christianity that says that we have authority over anyone. We, as Christians should know better. We follow a God who quite honestly sent his son to a world that was as riddled with sin and nastiness as ours is today, and he sat among those who not only made careers out of things that God doesn’t approve of, but he served them, loved them, and he died for them. I do not see many of us modeling Christ. Those people turned their lives to God not because they saw him in brilliant purple robes and he bestowed them with gold, but because he humbled himself and he showed them Love. 

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” – John 13:35

“The only thing that counts is Faith expressing itself through Love.” – Galatians 5:6

“But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.” – Luke 6:35

“Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” – Roman 13:10

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” – Ephesians 4:2

These are a few examples of over 300 times the Bible speaks of Love, and none of them have limits to who you love, why you love someone, or when to stop loving someone. So, let’s start fulfilling our ultimate calling, and LOVE.

To the homosexual community – I have very little, if any, authority to speak on your actions because your struggles are not one that I have personally encountered. I have not had to come out as being straight. I have not had to lose family and friends. I have not been hated for dating the love of my life. I have not been spit on or talked down on or lost job opportunities. But I am so SO sorry that some of you have. You have a human heart that beats and you have human emotions and desires that pull you and you have human ears and eyes and mouths just like the rest of the population. You are not less human. You are not less intelligent or kind or artistic than the heterosexual community. And I am so sorry that you have had to fight for rights that you truly feel should have always been yours. I am so sorry that you may not know how to stop fighting even though a huge battle has been won. I am so sorry for those who will continue to show you hatred and unkindness. But, there are a lot of us who are willing to love you no matter what. There are a lot of us who can’t and won’t take away your rights. Some of us do believe that there is a higher calling, and so we may not feel that we can be completely unbiased about your life choices. And that is really hard for some of us, because we may want to be able to do that. But please don’t call us nasty bigots, and wish death on all of us because of our beliefs. There are a lot of us who are humble enough to accept that we live a life that is unworthy of God’s love, too. But He loves us anyways. So give some of us Christians the chance to love you anyways. A lot of us will. A lot of us want to. I lay my sword down. I do not want to fight my fellow humans. I hope that we all can do the same, and we can find a way to love each other despite our different beliefs.

“That idea of peace and love toward humanity shouldn’t be nationalistic or denominational. It should be a chief concern for all mankind.” – Mos Def

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”
― William Shakespeare

And for the sake of covering all grounds, if you have no reason to be hateful towards people other than because you feel like it – if you have no religion and you’re not homosexual and you have nothing standing against you – just stop. Stop posting, stop sharing, stop throwing hate. Remember a time that you were shown love, remember how that made you feel, and share that love with everyone else. And if you cannot do that, just don’t say anything at all.

So, no, Love has not won, but I believe it is possible. Let’s not give up on each other.

Peace & Love to all.

A Letter To My College Boyfriend

I am preparing to walk across the stage for college graduation in a mere two weeks, and this has me entering a stage of reminiscence on my years as a college student. I remember looking back on my years in high school during my senior year, and feeling amazed that the good outweighed the bad. Here I am again, looking back on college, and only remembering the happy moments. I am thinking about what it took to get me through these four years: the classes, the memories, the people…mostly the people. Each group – family, friends, classmates – deserves their own letter of praise for their contribution to getting me to this point in my life, but one person has done so much for me that I am bursting with words of thankfulness, and I think he deserves a very personal and public letter. So here’s to you, boyfriend.

Here’s to all the times you listened to my dreams about my future, and supported every one. You listened to me when I said that I wanted to be a writer who would write books that would be made into movies that would be made into theme parks; and you supported me. You listened to my idea of going into business to start my own combination coffee shop/book store/thrift shop; and you supported me. You listened to me when I said that I was going to drop out of school because it wasn’t for me, I wasn’t smart enough; and you said you thought I was good and smart enough, but you supported me. Thank you for going through the confusion (that still lingers) about my future with me, and letting me know you believe in me.

Here’s to your patience. Thank you for understanding that I am a stress eater, and I actually feel that my life depends on getting ice cream or my world may crumble. Thank you for not retaliating every time I cried or got snappy because I couldn’t grasp a subject, or I thought my parent’s would disown me when they saw my freshman GPA. (That didn’t happen, but almost.) Thank you for listening to me talk about my stress for hours, and not telling me to stop or that I was being dramatic. Thank you for letting me do my homework when I needed to, and offering to bring me water and snacks while I was studying. Thank you for holding me as tight as you could any time I felt that college was going to kill me. You definitely were the glue that kept me together in many breakdowns over the last few years.

Here’s to all the back rubs. Seriously, thank you. I think our ratio of back rubs is You: 1 gazillion Me: like 17 or something. Somedays they were willingly given, maybe even voluntary. Other days they were out of guilt or your inability to say no, but they all meant the world to me, and made me feel less stress and a lot more loved.

Here’s to your wallet. I don’t mean to sound materialistic, and I hope I have said thank you for every single thing you have ever purchased for me, but if not I am saying it now. THANK YOU! You have always worked hard at any job, and you have selflessly used that hard earned money to pay for so many things for me: meals, gas, gifts, medicine…the list goes on. You have never hesitated to pull out that beat up old wallet in order to help me out in any way you could. I know our culture has taught men that that is their duty to support their girl, but know that I am so so thankful for your selflessness and care for my well-being. You seriously rock.

Here’s to you loving me. We have both evolved into older and (somewhat) mature adults in the last few years, but we had plenty of valleys to go through to get to where we are today. I can honestly say that you have never made me feel unlovable even in my darkest, hungriest hour. You have seen me on the edge of what felt to be a psychotic break, and you loved me through it. You have seen me teetering on the edge of the “who am I? what is life about?” crazy train, and you loved me through it. You loved me when I was full of joy, and you loved me when I was full of anger. You have spent the last four years making sure I knew that I was going to be loved no matter what valley or what mountain top I was currently residing on.

Here’s to you, boyfriend. Thank you for standing by me, and being the best companion over the four craziest years of my life, thus far. I am so proud of the woman I have grown in to and the things I have accomplished, and I owe a lot of my success and happiness to your support and love. Your deeds do not go unnoticed. I love you.

5 Positives That Came From My Parent’s Divorce

Recently I have noticed how many negative posts about and by children of divorce are floating around the internet. Things like “27 Reasons Why It’s Hard To Love A Child of Divorce” or “14 Negative Side Effects of Divorce on Your Children” or, and the most depressing, “I will never get married. Love does not exist or last forever. #ForeverAlone” Firstly, I am not here to condone or promote divorce in any way shape or form. I understand that in some circumstances divorce is warranted, but generally I’m against divorce as a whole. However, I have grown tired of the negative air you feel from people when they discover you have divorced parents. In my own college classes, if those of us with divorced parents are asked to identify our selves by raising our hand, 100% of the time more than half of the class raises their hand. This has always made me think, “If we are over half of the population, we better stop pitying ourselves, and find ways to grow from our experiences.” If we approach each child of divorce as some sort of lesser or broken child, then that is lessening and breaking over half of the children in America. In this post I want to reach out to the positive side of children of divorce. I want to show how I have grown from my parent’s divorce, and how I feel strong, knowledgeable, and empowered by it. My experience with divorce has been a walk in the park compared to many many other divorce stories, but I hope that this may give strength or knowledge to anyone who may be in need of a positive side of all the divorce negativity. Here is my list of positives that came from divorced parents.

1. Resilience
When your parents divorce, things change. Some kids watch their parents split and remain single, and some kids watch their parents split and change spouses another ten times. This is not comforting or positive for a child, but it forces us to learn to adapt. We learn that you can learn to love a new house or a new sibling. We can hate a new house or a new sibling, but we can adapt to living with what we hate. Personally, moving to college in another state seemed like a smoother transition for me because of my experience with transitions in my childhood. I do not fear the unknown quite as much because I have learned ways to cope with fear and confusion, and I have a list of new things I was scared or angry with that I conquered.
“Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter”
– Christina Aguilera
2. No One Is Perfect
Not even me. One of the most important things both of my parents told me after their divorce is, “I could have done things differently.” What this statement has taught me is that I better realize when I’m wrong and that I can be wrong before I mess something up so badly that it can no longer be fixed. From that one statement I have learned the importance of admitting and recognizing my faults. I have learned to look back at what I do and say when someone is upset with me, and reconsider how I could have handled it differently. I have learned to ask myself the question, “Will you be proud of yourself for handling this situation the way your anger or pain is making you want to?” I have learned that one of my biggest fears is looking back at relationships lost, and thinking that I could have done more. But one of my greatest accomplishments is keeping myself from doing just that through humility and love.
“We shall act with good intentions, but at times we will be wrong. When we are, let us admit it and try to right the situation.” -Joe Paterno

3. Two Families to Love!
Again, I realize that all divorce stories are different, but many have experienced combined families like I have. Has it been easy? “LAUGH OUT LOUD” no. It has been a bumpy ride. But at the end of the day I have gained more than I have lost, tenfold. Two sets of parents. Yes, two Christmases, blah, blah, blah, but the parents are more of the gift that keeps giving than the Christmases. My two sets of parents have two completely different parenting styles. How neat it has been to learn from them. I have strengths of knowledge and love and experiences that I owe to each set of parents that I would have never obtained without the combination of the four of them. And don’t get me started on the siblings. Because of my parents separation, I have: 3 biological sisters, 2 step-sisters, 1 half sister, and an adopted sister. But for the record, they are all just sisters to me, and they don’t need any of those other words to describe their relation to me. (Can I get an “AMEN!” people?) I know that some transitions to add or subtract families members seem unendingly hard, but I have found that if you let love guide your actions, you will find peace and love and happiness in any family situation.
“Two worlds, One Family”
– Phil Collins

4. We Won’t Settle
There are, of course, those cases in which divorce is passed down through the generations, but there are many of us who just simply won’t have that. The word divorce makes our generation’s blood boil. If you haven’t personally gone through it, you have a sibling, a friend, a cousin who has. Each of us enter a relationship with a feverish desire to find happiness and fulfillment, and most of us won’t settle until we have found it. You, as parents, might be praying and hoping for us to find the right one, but us divorced kids are ready to turn down every marriage proposal from now until the end of time if it means not entering into marriage with the wrong person. Sure, we may get a bit dramatic when we fight or when we feel like something is going wrong in the relationship, but we are going to fight to find the right person. Ask any child of divorce, even those of us who had mostly positive experiences will say, “DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME.” We will shout it from the mountain tops. It is a policy we stand firmly to, and so we truly are aiming to find a person who is right for us. Roll your eyes, and say, “You never know how easily it can happen to you.” Well, obviously, or half the population wouldn’t be doing it. But it’s the effort, and the concern, and the hard-headed will to find the right person that is beautiful in our kind. It’s cool to talk to another child of divorce who has this conviction. Will we all end up with a happily ever after? Surely not, but we are dreaming of a world in which that can happen, and a dream is where reality begins.
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

5. Divorce Food
This is a new joke that has come up in my family, but it is something worth noting. It is common that whilst going through a divorce, parents may have fewer funds with only one income or paying the lawyer bills. So dinner gets a little less expensive, but a lot more creative. Top Ramen and Vienna Sausage galore! Though this may seem like a negative, particularly for those who believe we weren’t getting the right nutrition, it actually has more positives. We had all kinds of fun sprucing up cheap items, or finding ways to combine preexisting, nonperishables in the pantry. White minute rice and melted American cheese was a favorite of my sisters. I loved my dad’s weenies and biscuits (a combination of canned biscuits & vienna sausages). It seems disgusting, but as a child you are happy to be sitting at the table, filling your stomachs after a day of climbing trees. And the biggest reward of this life experience: college. Yep, it just so happens that most of us are pinching pennies in college, so us divorce kids can dive into our database knowledge of cheap meals to sustain us through the long nights of studying.

Again, divorce is nothing to wish for, but I hope this post can show that all children of divorce are not pitiful. We have learned and received tons of experiences that we would not have had otherwise, and we use them as tools for our future!

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. It is not so bad as you are. It looks poorest when you are richest. The fault-finder will find faults even in paradise. Love your life, poor as it is. You may perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours, even in a poorhouse. The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the almshouse as brightly as from the rich man’s abode; the snow melts before its door as early in the spring. I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there, and have as cheering thoughts, as in a palace.”
― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Re: Things Parents of Teens(or any age, really) Should Do

Earlier today I came across a blog that had been shared on Facebook titled “10 Things Parents of Teens Should Do Differently,” and I, of course, read the entire thing. I believe that there are way too many self-help books on the subject of parenting. If I for some reason thought I was a bad enough parent that I needed advice from a person who is maybe licensed to give advice on the subject(maybe not) I cannot imagine trying to wade through all the suggestions and sure-fire ways to be the best parent in the history of all parents. But after reading this post of cliches such as “don’t be your kids friend” and “don’t let them have control!” I had other thoughts that are so much more important to me, that I figured I would spill them in a mess of letters typed by tired fingers here for any interested straggler to agree with or to irrevocably disagree with.

The previous mentioned post was written in a list format which always seems to display, intentionally or not, a sort of hierarchy within the list. To avoid that, I am just going to type as the thoughts come to mind. I cannot say that any of these are of most importance or of least importance. 

To current, past, and aspiring parents, I am a 21-year-old female and I have no credentials as of yet to be posting this; not in years nor in paper, but I have a very thoughtful mind, and a very observant personality. I am young, and I have no children of my own. I want to be clear in saying that I am not fully aware of the difficulties of parenthood. But I do not believe I am quite blinded to them either. And so from my experiences, here are some things I think parents can do to benefit their relationship with their children.

First of all, your kids do not hate you. Even when your pre-teen has flames in his/her eyes and they are spitting the most hateful words in your direction because you took their phone away for not doing the dishes, they do not hate you. Every other kid their age is screaming the same thing to their parents. Imagine if we could remove all the walls from our homes that hide all the imperfections inside them. I think that thought would make some moms and dads cringe with anticipation of judgement from the outside world, but I do not think anyone would even notice as they are dealing with the screaming going on within their own house. So, do not hold on to those words. Do not wonder why you are the only mom on the block with kids that hate her. Your kids do not hate you. They are going through changes that are completely freaking them out. I would be willing to bet that their outbursts of rage can scare them as much as they scare you. I think a very important trait to have during this time of your children’s life is to be forgiving and approachable. I know from experience that the regret sets in almost immediately, but if you come back with vicious retorts and then angrily shut yourself from them, they may not be able to express their sorrow, and then the true anger will set in, and that anger does not retreat so quickly as it is much more premeditated. I believe a lot of fights can be overcome if given a few moments to cool down. On both sides. AND THEN TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM! Your kids are well aware that you have the power, and that is scary when you realize, “Oh, shoot, I just insulted the master.” They know that consequences will come in due time, but the consequences will be taken much more smoothly if you can give them a little time to realize that their actions warranted them. And after the consequences are given, be sure that they know you still love them. They know they messed up, but they need to understand that you can forgive them. I think that portrayal of patience and love will translate into their own development of those traits with you and everyone else they encounter. 

Another thing that I find important for your children to understand is that you were not always as knowledgeable as you are now. Kids look up to you. You know so much about so many things. Why don’t they know that much? Why are mom and dad so good at math? Why is it so easy for mom and dad to wake up and get their work done? Why is it so easy for mom and dad to be good people, when I struggle so hard to follow all the rules? Your kids are looking at a very developed version of you. They do not see your journey to become that person. Sometimes…I would venture to say most of the time, it makes it hard to relate to your parents if you feel that they are much more righteous than you are or that you think you could ever be. It is important to tell your kids about your life growing up. It is okay to tell your kids that you failed spelling tests in fourth grade, or that you had to take statistics twice in college. It’s OKAY to tell your kids that you stole the smelly onion from the market as a kid(I love that story, Mom!) And as they grow up, it is okay to tell your kids that you struggled with things they are struggling with when you were their age. And when you do that, you can also tell them how you overcame those struggles, or how you continue to work towards overcoming them. It also gives you a gateway into talking to them about what’s important to you. What you believe is right and wrong, and why you think it is worth doing the right thing. God put you in an incredibly important role as their caretaker, but that does not mean that you cannot come down from that position to help hold their hand as they sometimes struggle to walk on their own. 

And should we even talk about church? If you are religious, I know you have had a few battles about getting to church. “I just want to stay over at my friend’s house!”  “I have too much homework!” “I don’t feel well!” I want to make it absolutely clear when I say that it is incredibly important to have your kids in church, and for them to find other friends who have the same beliefs who can help them grow in their faith, and have mentors to do the same. That being said, church is the body of believers. Not the walls with the steeple. TEACH THAT TO YOUR KIDS AT BIRTH! Strive to have that fellowship with others on a weekly basis, but do your best not to condemn your children if they miss for whatever reason. Jesus came to this earth and showed love to all. He preached love and forgiveness and the hope of infinite happiness. Your job as parents is not to have your kids sitting in the pews with perfectly pressed shirts and perfectly tied bows every sunday, but to show them the love of Christ as best you can, and to teach them that there is so much more to this world than what meets the eye. Teach them to have a beaten and worn bible. Teach them that their relationships with others can always be a chance to share the love and passion of God. Teach them that their religion is not constrained to the walls of that church, and that the walls of that church are what hold their faith and they can only tap into it while inside. Help them have the love for Christ while amidst the scary, dark world. Do not put so much stock in the attendance of church that you forget to impress the importance of making their life worship to God on them.

 

YOUR TEEN NEEDS TIME WITH YOU! They may say they want to be alone, but they need you! It may be once a week, but go get coffee, go on a walk, go thrift shopping, find something they are interested in and make an effort to spend time doing that with them. Ask them about their life. Show them that you care about them. They may say that they want to be alone, but they will be grateful for the effort, and they will notice the lack of it. 

These are a few thoughts I could manage to pull from my mind at this time. There are plenty more, I am sure, but I will do a part two when I can compile them in a more organized way. 

Just remember that you are not a bad parent. Trust your instincts, and LOVE with all you have. Love is what will conquer all in this world. 

 

DYFRINT

I was born one day. That day must have been a strange day. I was my mother’s second child. Both sets of grandparents had grandchildren already. Maybe that wasn’t the strange thing about that day, my birth. My family had been through birth already. But I have always felt as if there was something very strange that must have happened that day. Maybe for a few moments, all the clocks were set wrong. Maybe the sun went out for a millisecond. Maybe something, a tiny, unnoticeable something happened that shifted me into this “different type of person” that I am, that I have always felt like. This probably makes no sense. These strings of words probably seem meaningless. Somehow, they are everything to me. I feel like the humankind that I know, mostly Americans, is this puzzle, and I am a piece from an entirely different puzzle. Some days that brings sadness. Like, WHO AM I?! Was I even meant to be a part of this life? I cannot even say how many times I have heard the words you are so weird, there is something wrong with you, I don’t get you, she’s just Chaney, you can’t describe her…the list goes on and on and on. Like I said, sometimes that makes me sad. I think that’s because before we are even born our moms and dads and aunts and uncles and siblings and people who barely know anything about your family have all already pictured you in their heads; they all picture what their dreams are for you. They picture their perfect life, and they project that onto this unborn being. This baby girl will have dark hair, brown eyes, and she will be PERFECT. How many times do you see people comment on pictures of babies “He/she is perfect!” Well they aren’t. At least, not for long. Your idea of the extraordinarily talented, beautiful, clean, sweet, respectful human being that is growing in your stomach or in your wife’s or daughters or wherever is actually not going to grow to be exactly who you want them to be… Anyways, I guess that could be why I feel sad sometimes. I feel like I had a path laid out for me that I, at a very young age, got derailed from. Not that I have completely failed in the eyes of my loved ones. But I don’t feel like I’m what anyone had in mind, honestly. But here’s where this post switches gears. I am actually much happier than a lot of people I know. I credit that to my inability to be on a certain path, trying to be a certain type of person. Somedays I feel like I’m following on a certain path, being a certain type of person, but then I wake up the next day and decide to explore the woods between two paths. I never really settle with being one type of person. I actually fear being constrained to one type of person. There are negatives that come with that, but there are so many positives. I think about myself a lot. I don’t quite get myself. I see girls and guys my age struggling with image and acceptance. Who am I to not care about those things? BECAUSE I JUST DO NOT CARE. What does that say about me? Is it good or bad that I can look in the mirror, and see so many imperfections, but not care at all if a guy finds me disgusting. To each their own, right? And what do I owe the male population? Nothing. If I want to wear all black all the time, I will. If I want to eat candy and fries, I will. Or, rather, I won’t not eat them to lose a pound to be sure I get 60 likes on my Instagram selfie. I have this very strange sense of humor, I have a curious personality. I love nonsense. I love clever, dry humor. I love when people fall down. I love sunflowers and I love the color black. I know there are so many that think I’m a mess. Again, I do not care. I know some people say things like this all of the time. I know it almost expresses deep insecurity. Don’t mistake me for saying I have no insecurities.  I do. I have deep scars, and issues, but somehow I keep them where they belong – in the past. When they try to fight their way into my present, I find the beauty in where I am now, and I let that fight off everything else.  I guess there may not be a huge point to this post, but it is something that has been sitting with me forever, and I want to know others that are like me. I think it’d be a breath of fresh air to know that I’m not the only one that cannot be less concerned about this world’s, America’s descriptions of who I need to be to be perfect. Maybe we can build our own puzzle together. 

The Thought That Started This Blog

I AM a wife. I am a wife to a man who I love dearly, and have loved dearly for many years. After all this time, I can still hear him say he loves me for the first time. In the mornings, he rolls over and reaches his arms above his head, stretching out his muscles. He smells a little musky and dirty. He needs to shower. But that smell has always brought comfort to me. I know that I am waking up beside the man I love when that subtle stink makes it way to my nose. He chose me. He chose to wake up next to me and all my ratty hair and smeared left-over make-up for the rest of his life. I love this man. I love the blue in his eyes. I love the roughness of his hands. I love the dark hairs on his head. I want to be the perfect woman for him. I want to be a perfect wife. I want to have dinner ready when he gets home from work. I want to have the laundry put away. I want to hug the anger from his bad day in the evenings. I want to be the perfect mother to his children. Right now, in this moment, that is what I am most desperate for. I want to give him a child. I want to help create a little, but enormous miracle for him. I want to give him a child that he can love, and coach, and teach. But that is not happening.Why…WHY IS THAT NOT HAPPENING?! I have prayed for two years now. We have seen doctor, after doctor, after specialist, after doctor, and NOTHING we do is working. Am I such a failure that I cannot do the one thing a woman is created to do for her husband? Will I never mother a child for him? But, oh, how I love this man. He so gently expresses his disappointment with each time I fail. He has given me options. He has accepted me for who I am, and for what faults I and, with that, the faults my body may have. He has decided that he wants to try to adopt. He wants to have a family with me no matter what it takes to do so. I have struggled with this for months. Why? He does not think that I am a failure. Why do I feel that way? Can I not move on, and accept that all paths can be beautiful? I can. I will. I will no longer harbor hate for myself, but open my heart to what God may have in store for our family. I want to give this man a family. I am ready. And instantly I feel an ache in my heart – an emptiness that I know has been prepared in advance to be filled with a child I have yet to meet, but already so deeply love. I am ready to adopt. I am ready to love, and adore, and cherish a child that needs me. That needs my husband. I am ready, because I need this child, too.

 

I AM a helper. I am a saving grace. I am a mess. I want nothing more to spend my entire life helping others. I NEED to help others. I know it is from God. He made me this way. I cannot sit back and watch others hurt. I must step in, and offer help, love, services, whatever I can do. I get frazzled just thinking about all those who need help in the world. I have so much love to give. God has blessed me with a comfortable life. I have plenty to share, and I feel wrong if I am not doing so. Recently adoption has been weighing on my heart. I have two children of my own. Hayley is 7 and Ben is 10. I am so thankful for those beautiful children. I am thankful for the experience of carrying each of them. But every day I see more children who need help. I see children who need a forever home. I have more to give. Yeah, maybe it’s a little selfish to try to adopt when other families cannot have their own children, but can’t you see that there are too many children lost and without families? Even if every family who could not bear their own child received 10 children, there would still be more who need help. I can help. My heart is not full. I have so much left to give, and I feel that I could never forgive myself if I did not act upon this calling. I will adopt because I cannot go any longer without sharing my love with a child who needs me.

 

 

I AM 17. Just 17. I grew up in the church. I know God. I know Jesus. I know my preacher. I know my elders. I know the Bible. Because of that, I know no one can find out I’m pregnant. I thought I was a good girl. I never thought this would happen to me. I made a mistake. God will know that I made this mistake, but no one else has to, right? I can take care of it, and it will be fine. Besides, what if I lose my scholarship to that pristine private Christian college because I slipped up? No way. I can’t do it. I’m having an abortion. No one needs this child anyways.

 

 

I AM  20. I am working a dead-end job. I drink and smoke too much. I have no money. I have no family to speak of. I had John…I thought. But I’m alone. Except for this baby. I cannot believe I’m pregnant. I had saved so much money. I was going to go to school. I was going to get my life together. Now I have this thing in my stomach that will take all of that away. It will take all my money. It will take all my time. I will be so stressed, forget getting over drinking and smoking. No. I can’t do it. All this pregnancy will do is remind me of how I so stupidly believed that someone could actually love me. No. I’m having an abortion. No one wants me. There’s no way anyone needs this baby.